we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
