My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
