Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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