Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
