I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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