I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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