I should be sponsored by Trojan
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
