So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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