Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
