I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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