I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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