I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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