I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
