and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
