totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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