I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
