My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
