When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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