I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
