I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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