No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
