So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize