youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Randomize
