Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
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