He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Why did my mother make you get naked?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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