my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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