you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
