Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
