Where did you get a picture of my penis
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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