he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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