if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
