i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
