first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
