you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
