the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
