His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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