I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize