I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
