Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
It's never too late to be topless.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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