3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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