I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
At least life still wants to fuck me.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
