When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
