Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
