Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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