Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
