i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
