i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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