i think i have two assholes
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
