My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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