when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
where are my eyebrows?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
