I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
It was confusing and full of hummus
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
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