I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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