We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I understand Curling. That high.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
