guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
