Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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