Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
