You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Randomize
