i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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