how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
