She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
