You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
