Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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