Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
