My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Randomize
