Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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