pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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